Online Writer Blues

(If there are typographical errors, please disregard them for I wrote this entry at 4 in the morning.)

berlos-smcr-model-of-communication-picture

As much as I don’t want to, but I am a very awkward human being in person. You may think that I am a fun friend to be with, especially whenever you see my posts or comments online, but that’s the point. I am only entertaining and humorous when I share stories on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram, or in my web logs. Unless you want to experience awkward silence and dead air, or hear corny jokes and remarks, which are apparently nothing against my online puns, witty rebuts, and very emotional lines, you can relate and be in my company. In reality, I’m a quiet person and my jolly, happy-go-lucky, confident self is only a facade that vanishes when there are many people. This is why I don’t like engaging myself in large groups. I don’t get listened to because I’m no fun at casual talking.

Just because I’m a communication student doesn’t mean that I’m a naturally enjoyable person to be with. I’m a bore most of the time. I spend my time listening to someone’s stories, occasionally nodding in agreement — even in disagreement, or smiling like an idiot whenever something’s funny. But don’t expect me to tell awesomely self-constructed stories because I’m not a good speaker. I don’t possess the qualities of a good story teller either. And to be honest, I tend to forget what I’m going to say next so the thrill’s gone even before I could tell the entire story. On the second thought, I don’t have stories that would make you thrilled or affected by emotions. I’m certain that you won’t even get what I’m talking about because sometimes I’m too weird or overly dramatic with an issue or situation I’m in. Don’t expect me to explain the mysteries in this world, too, because my explanations demand explanations as well. I’m bad at elaboration so don’t expect too much when I teach someone something.

But I could really express myself better when I write, be it online or in paper. Because I was trained and taught to be a copy-reader, I tend to use simple words and avoid jargon. Most of the time, I do not use highfalutin terms because I actually don’t know how to use them. And worse, I don’t know their meaning. However, I cringe at misused grammar, wrong spelling, mispronunciation, and poorly written works — also known as jeje works. Sometimes, in some scenarios, I’ll suddenly cut people off our conversations just to correct them. I can’t help it. Savage, you think? But it’s my automatic response. Sad truth, aww.

One more thing is that I don’t usually communicate in English. When I speak with/to other people, whenever casual or formal, as much as possible, I speak using my native language. Of course, I can also speak fluently in English but I would always prefer to speak in Filipino. Not only because I proclaim myself to be a nationalist (wow), but also because I feel very awkward when I speak in English. I feel so “konyo“, or someone who uses combined Tagalog and English words in a very annoying tone, and I feel like one of those rich kids who stroll and dine in expensive restaurants at Eastwood or BGC. I haven’t even eaten at Starbucks before so I don’t know the feeling of those stereotype rich people. This is why every time my other bloc mates open up topics specifically pointed at rich kids’ experiences, I shut up as a reflex action.

I am a cooler person online. That’s true. People do appreciate my posts more that what I actually tell them in person. When I make corny jokes during get-togethers, they’ll tell me, “Gutom lang ‘yan, (You’re just hungry)” or “Tama na ‘yan (That’s enough),” in a “pabebe (annoyingly childish)” way. I usually get a lot of criticism and disappointed looks whenever I do that.

In my posts, at least even if they did react differently, I wouldn’t know. This is why I appreciate the reactions of people connected with my social media accounts. If they think my posts or comments are funny or good enough to tolerate, they would just click “like”. If they want to react or tell me what to improve or criticize me, they would just “comment”. If they thought it is worth sharing, they would click “share”. Or if they don’t like my posts, they could just scroll down and move on.

For me, writing and communicating online is easier than speaking because I could introduce myself even more. I can say whatever I want to say after I think about it carefully. Personally, I do think I have more self-confidence than other kids my age, but because I’m not used to talking to other people (because I’m too afraid to see their thoughts and reactions), I fail to be a a good speaker. Now, I fail to be an acquaintance and I regret not being a good one.

Definitely, I’m a cooler person online. But now, I want to change my negative thinking. For the better. Because to be an effective speaker, I will not only help myself but others, too.

But yeah, I still think I’m cooler behind the screen.

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