Just a Living Tragedy

I am so lonely. I am alone. Almost 8 billion people but I don’t have anyone in this world anymore. I am getting so tired. I want to do something for myself. Something that will make me happy. It’s been holding me back because it’s a selfish thing to do. But since I am alone now, I think it’s okay to be selfish for a while. Just this time.

I really want to forget. I don’t care anymore. I don’t feel anymore. This was worse than giving up on my first love. My first love was petty. My first love was quick. That pain subsided faster than my chicken pox scars. But the pain I am feeling right now might last longer than all the scars on my body. If I won’t be selfish, this pain will not make me sleep and will haunt me forever.

I don’t care what others say. I won’t hear them anyway. Why would I care about others’ feelings? Those aren’t my feelings anyway. Why would I hesitate? It’s not that I have a reason to go on and continue this story anyway.

Gosho, I might not be able to watch your 1000th and final episode of Detective Conan. I might not be able to read another good novel. I might not be there once my college friends get on those fabulous clothes with their sablays. But at least I’m happy. At least, I won’t be a bother. I won’t be a nuisance to anyone anymore.

Please. I really really want to give up. I have been holding this back for as long as I can remember. But who am I doing this for? Who am I pleasing?

I want to stop all these shit. I want them to stop. I want to do what I want. I know from the very start that I don’t have dreams. I don’t have ambitions. That is why I always try to come up with vague plans for my future because I know that my future won’t ever exist.

I’ve never planned my future the way I really wanted to. I am quite surprised myself because I lasted 18 years despite my situation. But I think these 18 years won’t last long.

If you want to fight, just fight with all your strength. But this is different. This fight is a hopeless case and I don’t want to get bruised anymore. I want to save my strength to build enough courage to do what I want.

I seemed happy. I seemed like someone who doesn’t care a fuck about this shitty world. I seemed like a lovely person who deserved to be admired. But I know myself more. At least this time. I’m really not.

I just want to be a cliffhanger.

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